8 months on T / 5 months post op
I’ve been taking testosterone for 249 days and I don’t know how big that number seems. A friend told me I was leaning out, and that it was really good. I guess I’ve noticed a different stance in my body, a greater comfort with the way things stack on top of each other.
My chest is healing well, my scars get a little flatter each day, and while they are still very much visible, I am proud of them and proud of where they come from. There are still nerve endings to reconnect, and they make small electric shocks under my ribs, but it is just part of the growing.
I don’t mark the days on T as much anymore, I had to count up today to see how many it was. Now that I only have a shot every 12 weeks, with the nurse, it seems less invasive in some ways, but more in others. Another person does it for me, but I go and get it from the pharmacy, I book the appointment, it is still a decision I am making each time.
There are still parts of me in my body and my head that don’t believe I will/can be read as male in certain situations, and I don’t know what that means or how to stop the feeling, or if I want to. I was in a space recently, where most of the people identified strongly as women, where I honestly didn’t feel totally comfortable, not necessarily because of anything anyone said to me, but just an energy, a feeling of something towards how I identify or not. If I am being read as cis then what does that mean to those who interact with me, how might they assume I see or experience the world? Do I want to be read as that? Not really no, or not always anyway. But there are times when being read as trans, or being out as trans, makes certain people automatically tip me over into the female category, like being transmasculine is just an offshoot of that, which is really not good. It’s complicated. I don’t want to say that I don’t think people should identify as women or men or anything strongly, because they should if they want to. I think it’s good for what it is but it’s not enough. I think space should be intersectional and safe for all the people using it. And I think there are so many more things still to say.
7 months 2 weeks on T/4 months 2 weeks post op
So much has happened and been started and finished and half way through.
I’m on a new type of testosterone, nebido, which I get in a massive shot, from the nurse, every 12 weeks.
For my first shot of it, the radio started playing Walking On Sunshine as I lay on the bench, arse out, needle in.
I’ve moved to North London, to live in a little studio below my brother Greygory. And I have a window box growing thyme, mint, and heather.
And I have started my Hairdressing NVQ.
And my mum is volunteering with Gendered Intelligence and I am so proud of her.
My belly and my legs and my chest grow fuzzier by the day, in time for winter. And the sideburns are coming in nicely.
Over and out x
Hey Felix, I hope you don't mind me asking (and of course feel free to decline to answer), but what size was your chest before surgery? I'm hoping very much that I'll be able to get referred to Yelland some time in the next couple of years, and wondering how he is with bigger-chested guys, as I'm a 32E. Your chest looks so so good :) really happy for you.
Hey :) No worries, it was 34C. I would absolutely recommend him, he’s a very lovely man, and I’m completely happy with the results, and the whole process with him and his staff was great, I felt very well taken care of. If you want to ask me anything at all please do, just drop me another message on here and I can send you my email. x ps. I totally watch your youtube on ftmkingdom, very good stuff :)
Today I am 168 days on T, 73 days post top surgery, and a few hours away from another growing morning. Always travelling on.